Non-Elect Calvinist In For A SurpriseDAYTON, OH — Falsely believing his unrepentant heart to have been regenerated, local calvinist Sean Becker was spotted Saturday calmly…Feb 8, 2021Feb 8, 2021
Stop It With The “Good Gift” White Elephants. They’re Horrible.Sorry Instagrammers, it looks like you’ll have to find a new caption this year, because Christmas 2020 will certainly not be “one for the…Dec 7, 2020Dec 7, 2020
Introvert Not Here To Make Friends But Not Like In A Mean WayBerkeley, CA — Making sure to emphasize that she has no hate in her heart, introverted UC-Berkeley freshman Cassie Vernon announced that…Aug 24, 2020Aug 24, 2020
Ridiculously Unqualified Job Applicant Laments Typo In Cover LetterSan Francisco, CA — Recent college graduate Colin Hall was spotted moping around his apartment late Wednesday evening, complaining that a…Aug 21, 2020Aug 21, 2020
Former Reds Outfielder Marlon Byrd Launches Assault On Arch-Enemy Marlin BirdCincinnati, OH — While his days playing baseball may be behind him, former Cincinnati Red Marlon Byrd is still in peak physical condition…Aug 20, 2020Aug 20, 2020
Local Man ‘Not Quite Hungry Enough’ For Full Meal Consumes 4000 Calories In SnacksINDIANAPOLIS, IN — Citing lack of hunger, local youth basketball coach Steve Nichols decided not to make himself dinner Monday evening…Aug 19, 2020Aug 19, 2020
Overpacking Male Brings Entire Change Of Clothes On Weekend TripBEND, OR — In a grandiose display of excess, local Junior Copywriter Adam Saunders brought an entire half-full Nike drawstring bag on a…Aug 17, 2020Aug 17, 2020
